GIFT  OF 
.-iss    of    1897 


San  Francisco  Girl\ 


and 


Other  Rhymes 

(Including  Some  Gloom  Chasers) 

by 
EUGENE  J.  BEAUCE 


DULFER  PRESS 

560    MISSION    STREET 

SAN  FRANCISCO 


Vo  iAx<*  e^sn/    C/L .    v 


. . .  T h  e . . . 

San  Francisco  Girl 

and 

Other  Rhymes 

(Including  Some  Gloom  Chasers) 
by 

EUGENE  Jl.  BEAUCE 


SAN   FRANCISCO 
1919 


GAV 


PS  2£t>2 


FOREWORD 

In  presenting  these  rhymes  to  a  discriminating  public 
no  claim  is  made  for  their  poetic  merit. 

They  were  dashed  off  during  idle  hours  merely  for  the 
pastime  and  pleasure  of  the  writer. 

To  those  who  read  them  with  kindliness  I  am  deeply 
grateful 

Those  who  view  only  with  the  critic's  eye  I  ask  to  do  so 
with  patience  and  Christian  resignation,  and  I  promise 

never  again  to  offend. 

THE   AUTHOR. 


THE  SAN  FRANCISCO  GIRL 

(Written  in   1917,  when  grim  war  loomed  on  the  American  horizon.) 

You've  heard  a  lot  of  songs  about 

The  diff'rent  kinds  of  girls; 
The  girl  who  hails  from  Dixie  land, 

At  dances  madly  whirls; 
But  there  is  one  who  has  the  class, 

She  is  a  Western  pearl, 
She  'does  her  bit'  to  win  the  war, 

The  San  Francisco  girl. 

The  Oakland  girl  is  handsome,  quite, 

The  Denver  girl's  a  dream, 
The  Boston  girl,  a  stately  sprite, 

The  New  York  girl's  the  cream; 
O'er  this  Occidental  maiden  dear, 

The  Stars  and  Stripes  unfurl; 
She's  loyal  to  her  country  grand, 

The  San  Francisco  girl. 

She  always  knits  for  soldier  boys 

Wool  caps  and  sweaters  too, 
If  she  should  meet  old  Kaiser  "Bill" 

Not  a  thing  to  him  she'd  do; 
The  girl  from  San  Francisco  town, 

A  patriot  is  she, 
v   She's  bound  to  wed  a  soldier  lad, 

If  she  don't  marry  me. 


MY  SWEETHEART 

(W>jtten  in  my  youthful  days  when  mother   'came  first.') 

I've  got  the  sweetest  sweetheart 

That  I  have  ever  had; 
And  when  I  chance  to  see  her, 

It  makes  me  very  glad. 

I  love  the  ground  she  treads  on, 

She  seems  to  worship  me; 
And  when  she's  in  my  presence 

I'm  full  of  joy  and  glee. 

She  thinks  the  world  about  me, 

And  I,  the  world  of  her; 
Should  she  fall  ill,  the  landscape 

To  me  is  but  a  blur. 

To  me  she's  most  attentive, 

To  her  I  am  the  same; 
When  I  do  wrong  she's  sorry, 

But  me  she'll  never  blame. 

She's  careful  of  my  comfort, 

And  gives  me  good  advis.e; 
And  though  I'm  sometimes  boorish, 

To  me  she's  always  nice. 

When  I  see  her  at  evening, 

She  meets  me  at  the  door; 
She  throws  her  arms  around  me 

And  kisses  me  galore. 


I'm  proud  of  her  when  walking 

Along  the  busy  street; 
We  get  admiring  glances 

From  people  that  we  meet. 

She  says  she  thinks  quite  often 

Of  me  by  day  and  night; 
And  I  must  say,  my  thinking 

Of  her  gives  me  delight. 

Of  course,  she  is  much  older 

Than  I,  but  I  don't  mind; 
For  she's  the  sweetest  person 

That  one  could  ever  find. 

If  things  with  me  go  awry, 
Her  heart  will  nearly  burst; 

I  know  among  the  many, 
To  me,  she's  "always  first." 

Perhaps  you'd  like  to  meet  her, 

I'm  sure  there  is  no  other; 
I'd  like  to  have  you  greet  her, 

My  sweetheart?    She's  MY  MOTHER 

ROSEATE 

A   dainty,  delicate   creature  is   Rose, 
In    her    I've    met    my    Fate; 

The  hue  of  her  bonny,  dimpled  cheek, 
Is  ROSEATE. 

I  took  her  to  a  cafe  once, 

Her  appetite  was   great; 
It  cost  me  'ten'  to  settle  for 

What  ROSIE  ATE. 


EDNA   MINE 

(  Written  after  reading  the  mining  news  about  the  ore  taken  from  the 
Edna  mine,  and  dedicated  to  my  wife,  in  the  honeymoon  days.) 

All  kinds  of  girls  you  have  met  with, 

In  story,  as  well  as  in  song; 
But  there's  one  on  whom  you  I'll  bet  with, 

She's  a  'winner,'  you'll  say  I'm  not  wrong 
I  promised  her  never  to  tell  it, 

That  I'd  never  whisper  her  name; 
But  there'll  be  no  harm  if  I  spell  it, 

E-D-N-A  is  the  dame. 

Now  Edna  one  day  was  seen  walking, 

In  manner  quite  stylish  and  grand, 
And  with  her  she  had  a  companion, 

Believe  me,  a  young  married  man; 
A  good  friend  of  mine  told  me  sadly 

My  rival  ought  surely  to  die; 
But  I  acted  quite  far  from  madly, 

For  the  married  man,  it  was  I. 

I  call  her  my  dear  little  nugget, 

And  tell  her  she's  better  than  gold; 
She  registers  24  karat, 

The  Simon-pure  metal  unrolled; 
Now  this  EDNA  mine  is  a  'caution,' 

She's  just  like  a  gold  mine  you'll  say; 
You  never  will  know  her  true  value, 

I'll  go  broke  prospecting  some  day. 


"NOT  GOOD-BY,  JUST  .GOOD-NIGHT" 

(Suggested  by  the  writer's  daughter,  Alice,  when  she  was  three  years 
of  age.) 

"Not  'Good-by,'  just  'Good-night,' " 

Our  little  Alice  said, 
As  her  mother  tucked  her  safe 

Within  her  snow-white  bed. 

Then  Alice  drew  a  weary  sigh 

That  presaged  slumber  deep, 
As  fitfully  she  breathed  the  prayer: 
"Now  I  lay  me  down  to  sleep." 

"Rest  well  this  night,  dear  heart, 

For  angels  hover  nigh," 
Said  mother  to  her  precious  one, 

Then  whispered  soft',  "Good-by." 

"Not  'Good-by,'  just  'Good-night,'  " 

In  lisping  accents  came, 
With  quiver  of  the  ruby  lips, 

From  the  tired  little  dame. 

And  thus  we  trust  'twill  ever  be, 

When  life  is  taking  flight, 
To  say,  with  hope  of  Heaven's  dawn, 

"Not  'Good-by,'  just  'Good-night.'  " 


"NEVER  MIND" 

(Suggested    by    the   writer's    daughter,    Eugenie,    when    she   was   three 
years  of  age.) 

When  things  go  wrong  in  our  house 

And  Fate  appears  unkind, 
Our  baby,  'Gene,  with  sober  mien, 

Says  quaintly:   "Never  mind." 

If  she  is  naughty  now  and  then, 

As  babes  sometimes  you  find, 
Should  you  reprove,  she  drops  her  eyes, 

And  murmurs:    "Never  mind." 

One  day  her  best  doll  she  let  fall, 

The  one  for  which  she  pined, 
She  coolly  scanned  the  broken  mass, 

And  said,  "Oh!    never  mind." 

Once  illness  laid  the  dear  one  low 

With  tears  our  eyes  were  blind, 
She  raised  her  little  pain-racked  head, 

Said  faintly:    "Never  mind." 

And  so  when  things  don't  turn  out  right. 

Bad  luck  toward  you  is  lined, 
Just  take  a  tip  from  tiny  'Gene, 

Say  bravely:   "Never  mind." 


A  GOOD  BOOK  KEEPER 

The  best  book  keeper,  I  will  say, 
Is  a  friend  who's  very  dear; 

I  loaned  to  him  a  book  one  day, 
He  returned  it  in  one  year. 


DADDY'S  (GOT  A  BEAU 

Daddy's  got  a  beau, 

He  thinks  she's  a  'beaut;1 
Daddy  shows  good  taste, 

We  'kids'  call  her  cute. 

Ma  don't  seem  to  care, 
Says  it's  up  to  'dad,' 

Strange  his  'monkey-shines' 
Do  not  make  her  mad. 

Dad's  beau  is  a  blonde 
That  he  pats  and  pets; 

'Gosh,'  how  he  loves  her, 
(Dad  don't  like  brunettes). 

Once  dad  kissed  his  beau, 
Right  in  front  of  Ma; 

She  was  cool  as  ice, 

Said:    "You  foolish  Pa". 

Once  this  beau  of  Dad's 
To  the  show  he  took; 

'Gee,'  they  caused  a  stir 
As  people  turned  to  look. 

'Aint'  it  strange  that  Ma 
Don't  tell  Pa  to  go; 

The  secret  I'll  unfold — 
MA  IS  DADDY'S  BEAU. 


10 
THAT  GIRL  OF  MINE 

There's  no  such  girl  as  mine, 
Not  one  with  half  her  grace, 

In  beauty  of  design, 

None  like  her  lovely  face. 

In  figure  she's  a  queen, 

Her  carriage,  too,  is  grand; 

Of  her  bright  eyes  the  sheen 
You  could  not  well  withstand. 

I'm  sure  you  all  have  seen  her; 

Her  mouth's  like  Cupid's  bow; 
Her  general  demeanor 

Bespeaks  a  healthy  glow. 

Her  laugh  your  heart  would  cheer; 

She's  gentle,  yet  she's  brave; 
To  me  she's  more  than  dear, 

And  I'm,  well— I'm  her  slave. 

Her  hair  is  brilliant  gold, 
Her  dainty  form  'petite,' 

In  fact  her  'toute  ensemble' 
Is  incomparably  sweet. 

In  knowledge  of  all  things 
She's  great,  it  is  reported, 

And  when  this  dear  girl  sings, 
To  Heaven  you're  transported. 

This  girl's  enticing  way 

I  really  can  not  parry, 
And  there's  no  doubt  some  day 

That  she  and  I  will  marry. 


11 

In  a  word,  this  girl  of  mine — 
The  one  of  my  selection — 

(n  manner  is  divine, 
She's  feminine  perfection. 

There's  no  such  girl  as  mine, 
Not  one  among  the  many; 

The  reason  I'll  assign, 
You  see — I  haven't  any. 


THE  BUD  OF  FRIENDSHIP 

I  gave  to  you  a  bud  at  morning, 

A  bud  of  beauty,  wondrous'  rare, 
'Twas  sweet  to  hear  your  grateful  whisper, 

That  was  as  music  in  the  air; 
The  bud  was  nurtured  by  a  sunbeam, 

It  opened  in  its  leafy  bower, 
And  ere  the  sun  had  sank  at  even', 

The  bud  had  blossomed  in  a  flower. 

I  gave  to  you  the  bud  of  friendship, 

The  bud  unmarked  by  touch  of  art, 
And  your  response,  you  murmured  gladly, 

But  found  an  echo  in  my  heart. 
And  when  the  sun  had  sank  at  even', 

The  rays  that  came  from  Heaven  above, 
Had  caused  that  beauteous  bud  of  friendship 

To  blossom  in  the  "Flower  of  Love." 


12 

THE  DEAREST  GIRL 

She's  the  dearest  girl  I  know, 
And  she's  surpassing'  fair; 

She's  DEAR,  'take  it  from  me,' 
For  beauty,  she's  a  'bear.' 

Arrayed  in  garments  'swell,' 
She  sails  along  the  street; 

The  people  turn  to  view 
This  'classy*  girl  so  neat. 

Her  gowns  are  'a  la  mode,' 
High-priced  at  'bon  ton'  store; 

Her  'chic'  hats,  Paris-made, 
Cost  fifty  'bones'  or  more. 

Her  shoes,  of  latest  style, 
At  'bucks'  fifteen  per  pair; 

Her  hose,  of  silk  to  match, 
Cause  many  an  envious  stare. 

Of  gems  she  has  a  peck, 
No  stone  that  is  not  pure; 

One  might  well  say  the  cost 
King's  ransom  would  secure. 

She  has  opera  gowns  galore, 
Seal  sacques  and  ermine  furs; 

She's  but  to  say  the  word, 
And  what  she  wants  is  hers. 

I  think  a  lot  of  her, 
Just  why  to  you  I'll  show; 

I,  her  'hubby,'  pay  the  bills — 
She's  the  DEAREST  girl  I  know. 


13 
FOR  A  RAINY  DAY 

To  her  father  Mamie  said: 
"Pop,  you  dear  old  honey," 

As  her  face  blushed  rosy-red, 
"I  must  have  some  money." 

Then  the  good  man  gave  a  gasp, 

Dove  into  his  coat, 
Put  into  her  willing  grasp 

A  fifty-dollar  note. 

Said  he:    "Pardon  me,  my  pet, 

If  I  give  advice, 
But  try,  keep  out  of  debt, 

Now  you've  got  the  price." 

"Economy  is  wealth,  you  know, 
Don't  spend  it  all,  I  pray, 

So  you'll  something  have  to  show 
For  a  rainy  day." 

To  a  dry  goods  store  she  went, 

While  her  spirits  rose; 
To  her  home  she  ordered  sent 

Twelve  pairs  of  white  silk  hose. 

In  dismay  the  'pater'  saw 

What  his  child  had  bought; 

Then  relaxed  his  lower  jaw, 
Said:   "My  dear,  I'm  caught." 

See  her  face  with  laughter  glow 

In  provoking  way; 
"Pop,  I've  something  now  to  show 

For  a  rainy  day." 


14 


HOW  THE  BEGGAR  LOST  HIS  TEACH  (SPEECH) 

Once   I   met   a   poor   dumb   beggar 

By   reverses   tossed, 
And  I  asked  him:  "Tell  me,  good  sir, 

How   your   speech   you   lost?" 

Then  he  wrote  with   pen   and  paper, 

(For   he   could   not   speak), 
"I'll    unfold    the    information 

Which  of  me  you  seek." 

"When  I  was  a  fair  haired  youngster 

I  was  fond  of  fruit, 
And  my  father  owned  an  orchard, 

Which  oft'times  I'd  loot." 

"Well,  one  day  I  wanted  peaches, 

They  were  sweet  to  me, 
And  soon  I  had  placed  a  ladder 

Up  against  a  tree." 

"Then  up  to  the  top  rung  climbing, 

Tremblingly  I  reach 
In  among  the  highest  branches, 

For  a  luscious  peach." 

"Just  when  victory  seemed  certain 

My  attempt  to  crown, 
Then  the  ladder  slipped  from  under, 

Teachless,  I  fell  down." 


15 
HOW  THE  BEGGAR  REGAINED  HIS  SPEECH 

Years  passed  by — one  day  that  beggar 

I  met  on  the  beach, 
And  he  said  in  joyous  accents, 

"I've  regained  my  speech." 

Then  I  asked  him  to  recount  me, 

How  it  had  been  done, 
And  he  told  me  how  the  victory 

Had  by  him  been  won. 

"One  day  I  was  walking  idly, 

With  slow  moving  feet, 
Came  a  speeding  horse  and  wagon 

Dashing  down  the  street." 

"Suddenly  one  wheel  unfastened, 

At  my  feet  it  spun  , 
All  the  spokes  had  been  unloosened — 

All — excepting  one." 

"Then  an  inspiration  seized  me, 

Friend,  this  is  no  joke, 
I  stooped  down,  and  in  an  instant, 

Picked  up  that  wheel  and— SPOKE." 

VOICELESS 

"They're  selling  fine  lots  for  a  song," 
The  real  estate  press  agent  wrote; 

"But  I'm  in  hard  luck  and  in  wrong, 
I'm  hoarse  and  I  can't  sing  a  note." 


16 
GRANDMA'S  BABY 

Grandma  has  a  baby, 

What  do  you  think  of  that? 
When  it  first  came  to  us, 

Grandpa  threw  up  his  hat. 

Grandma  thinks  that  baby 
The  finest  in  the  land; 

And  the  way  she  loves  it, 
Simply  'beats  the  band.' 

Pink  and  white  complexion, 

Eyes  of  azure  blue; 
I  guess  if  you  saw  it, 

You  would  love  it  too. 

Grandma  spends  some  hours 

With  the  little  tot; 
When  the  baby  slumbers, 

She  sits  by  its'  cot. 

Grandma  stays  and  watches 
Each  movement  of  its  lids; 

She  pays  no  attention 
To  us  older  'kids.' 

Grandma  loves  that  baby, 
The  reason  it  is  plain; 

The  mother  of  the  infant 
Is  her  daughter — Jane. 


17 
WELCOME  TO  OLYMPIA 

(Written  for  the  dedication  on  January  2,  1893,  of  the  new  and  mag 
nificent  Olympic  Club  building  (destroyed  later  by  fire)  in  Post 
Street,  and  sung  by  the  Stanford  Trio — Edward  J.  Angelo,  Frank 
H.  Belcher  and  Eugene  A.  Beauce.) 

Welcome,  all  welcome  to  Olympia's  Temple, 

Greetings  of  gladness  in  Olympia's  name; 
Let  joy  and  merriment  reign  here  supremely, 

Drink  up  a  toast  to  Olympia's  brilliant  fame. 
Come  let  our  voices,  in  unison  resounding, 

Reach  to  the  topmost  point  of  this  Temple's  lordly  dome; 
Again  and  again  we  extend  you  hearty  welcome, 

Welcome,  all  welcome  to  Olympia's  Home. 

Friendship  is  King  from  now  and  forever, 

Let  each  Olympian  grasp  the  other's  hand; 
May  nothing  cause  this  friendship  to  sever, 

Let  your  devotion  be  known  throughout  the  land. 
May  your  share  of  happiness  be  full  to  overflowing, 

Let  Olympia's  name  enshrine  your  hearts  where  e'er  you 

roam; 
Once  more  we  bid  you  all  a  cheerful  Welcome, 

Welcome,  sweet  welcome  to  Olympia's  Home. 


TO  A  LAND  BARON  ON  HIS  DEATH 

He   had    a    disposition   to    appropriate    the    Earth, 
And  he  went  about  it  with  determination  that  was  grim; 

He  was  disappointed  cruelly,  his  tone  has  lost  its'  mirth, 
Since  he  sadly  realized  the  Earth  appropriated  him. 


18 


WHAT  DROVE  THEM  TO  DRINK 

"What  drove  you  to  drink?"   I  asked  of  a  tramp, 

Who  drank  and  did  not  rue  it; 
And  then  he  answered  with  humor  grim — 

"My  coachman  drove  me  to  it." 

To  another  a  similar  question  was  put, 

To  him  liquor  had  done  its  worst; 
"You  want  to  know  what  drove  me  to  drink? 

Well,  Partner,  I  guess  it  was  thirst." 

Another  one  the  same  question  was  asked, 
As  we  walked  down  the  street  together; 

"I  really  don't  know  what  drove  me  to  drink, 
But  I  think  it  was  the  cold  weather." 


Said  another  old  'soak'  in  whom  liquor  had  crushed 

Evsry  other  desire  in  life: 
"I  don't  like  to  tell  what  drove  me  to  drink, 

But  between  us,  it  was  my  wife." 

A  fifth  red-nosed  'bum'  the  same  query  was  asked, 

Pie  dropped  his  lower  jaw, 
"I'll  tell  you,  old  man,  what  drove  me  to  drink; 

It  was  too  much  mother  in  law." 

Then  I  asked  another  red-faced  man, 

(This  one  in  all  made  six); 
"It  is  easy  to  tell  what  drove  me  to  drink, 

I  got  mixed  up  in  politics." 


19 

A  seventh  rum-soaked  party  I  met, 

Before  I  had  gone  many  blocks; 
He  said:   "I'll  tell  you  what  brought  me  to  this, 

I  lost  all  my  money  in  stocks." 

Said  one  on  whom  sorrow  had  left  its  mark, 

"My  friend,  just  let  me  think; 
Oh  yes,  of  course,  the  reason  I  know, 

My  troubles  drove  me  to  drink.' 

Another  old  man  whose  race  was  nsar  run, 

No  words  about  it  did  he  waste; 
His  reason,  at  least,  had  a  shadow  of  truth, 

"I  drink,  'cause  I  like  the  taste." 

Thus  each  individual  has  a  reason  to  give, 
As  to  who  has  performed  the  conniving, 

And  claim  when  they're  asked  what  drove  them  to  drink  ? 
That  somebody  else  did  the  driving. 

But  if  to  inquire  for  the  actual  cause, 
These  topers  would  but  take  the  pains; 

They  would  find  if  there's  any  driving  at  all, 

THAT  EACH  MAN  HOLDS  HIS  OWN  REINS. 


TOAST  TO  WOMAN  AND  THE  IVY 

Fair  Woman  has  oft'  been  compared  to  the  Ivy, 

For  when  pain  and  sorrow  adversity  brings, 
Like  that  plant,  her  devotion  (to  man)  is  unceasing, 

The  greater  the  ruin  the  closer  she  clings. 
Now  this  likeness  admits  of  another  construction, 

(I  hope  the  dear  ladies'  ears  I'll  not  wound) 
But  some  one  arrived  at  this  cruel  deduction; 

The  closer  she  clings  the  worse  you  are  ruined. 


20 


IT  MIGHT  BE  WORSE 

When  luck  goes  dead  against  you, 
Don't  worry,  fret  and  curse; 

Just  pull  yourself  together, 
Reflect — it  might  be  worse. 

When  illness  overtakes  you, 

Requiring  doctor,  nurse; 
Forget  it,  then  remember, 

The  trouble  might  be  worse. 

When  many  bad  investments 
Make  you  gloomy,  like  a  hearse; 

Just  quit  your  speculations, 
Take  heed — it  might  be  worse. 

When  horses  that  you  follow 

All  run  in  form  reverse; 
Pray  cease  your  foolish  betting, 

If  not,  it  WILL  be  worse. 

When  the  boss  tells  you:   "You're  fired," 
In  language  hard  and  terse; 

Don't  stoop  to  melancholy, 
You  know,  it  might  be  worse. 

When  a  friend  who  borrows  money. 

Neglects  to  reimburse, 
Put  it  down  among  your  losses, 

It  could  be  more — and  worse. 


21 


When  you  hear  a  high  soprano 
Screech  in  manner  most  perverse, 

Drink  milk  of  human  kindness, 
Be  glad  it  is  no  worse. 

When  empty  is  your  pocket 

And  similar  your  purse, 
Let  this  one  thought  console  you, 

It  could  not  be  much  worse. 

Now,  you  have  read  and  pondered, 
Don't  criticize  this  verse; 

Show  a  little  Christian  feeling, 
You  see — it  might  be  worse. 


B  R  I  T  T 

(Written    when    the    lightweight    was    in    the    height    of    his    pugilistic 
career.) 

Who  has  not  heard  of  'Jimmy'  BRITT? 
At  the  fighting  game  he's  surely  'IT'; 
In  many  a  bout  he's  fought  and  TIT', 
And  he  was  never  known  to  'QUIT.' 

He  has  a  punch  in  either  'MITT' 
Showed  Jabez  White  how  he  could  'HIT' 
A  coward?,  well  now,  I  guess  'NIT' 
Of  fear  he  doesn't  know  a  'BIT' 

He's  plucky  too  and  full  of  'GRIT' 

No  purse  did  this  lad  ever  'SPLIT' 

Aside  from  all,  he's  quite  a  'WIT' 

The  world's  best  lightweight,  Jimmy  'BRITT.' 


THE  "LESS"  AGE 


They  call  this  age  progressive, 
Where  you're  kept  on  the  guess; 

It  is  the  Age  of  Wonders, 
For  everything  is  "LESS". 

Luther  Burkank,  the  Great  Wizard, 
Made  spine-LESS  cactus  fruit, 

He  grows  potatoes  eye-LESS, 
And  string-LESS  beans  to  boot. 

He'll  give  us  head-LESS  cabbage, 
And  then  some  ear-LESS  corn. 

What  is  wanted  by  the  "rounder" 
Is  a  head-LESS  "jag"  next  morn'. 

But  what  we  really  covet 
Is  more  of  pain-LESS  pain, 

And  next  he  might  endeavor 
To  make  some  rain-LESS  rain. 

And  when  he  gets  his  work  in, 
He'll  do  one  great  big  feat; 

He'll  fix  it  so  in  future 

Horse-LESS  radish  we  will  eat. 

You've  heard  of  smoke-LESS  powder, 
Smoke-LESS  tobacco,  too; 

Of  course,  you  know  what  that  is; 
It's  the  kind  that  men  do  chew. 


The  brain-LESS  fop  is  common, 
The  child-LESS  pair  we  taunt; 

They  think  the  cry-LESS  baby 
Would  fill  a  long-felt  want. 

They  say  an  Eastern  "savant" 

Produced  a  sting-LESS  bee. 
He  should  set  his  wits  to  working 

To  make  a  bite-LESS  flea. 

We  have  the  wire-LESS  message; 

War-LESS  wars  would  be  a  boon. 
They'll  make  wire-LESS  bird  cages 

And  fee-LESS  doctors  soon. 

So  now  you  know  why  this  is 
The  "LESS"  age — why  and  how 

All  things  are  "LESS"  excepting 
The  COST  OF  LIVING  now. 

A  CIVIL  SERVICE  TEST 

An   examination  once   was  held 

For   Civil   Service  men, 
And  Casey  came  to  take  the  test, 

Sat  ready  with   his   pen. 

Among  the  questions  that  were  asked, 
One  caused  no  end  of  mirth — 

"What  is  the  distance  from  the  Moon 
In    straight    line   to    the    Earth?" 

Now  Casey  scratched  his  head  and  wrote; 

"I  wish  to  Heav'n  I  knew; 
But  the  distance  will  not  interfere 

With  what  I'll  have  to  do." 


24 
THE  CRUISE  OF  THE  YACHTS 

(Written  for  the  Corinthian  Yacht  Club,  when  the  yachts  named  sailed 

in  San  Francisco  harbor.     The  names  will  be  recognized 

by  old-timers.) 

One  day  not  feeling  very  well, 

And  somewhat  melancholic, 
Said  I:   "With  all  the  diff'rent  yachts, 

I'll  go  out  on  a  'FROLIC.' 

Of  course,  as  everybody  knows, 

This  really  is  a  treat, 
But  without  the  presence  of  some  girls, 

No  time  is  quite  complete. 

So  I  asked  the  handsome  'AGGIE/ 

Likewise  the  gentle  'MAY,' 
And  'CLARA'  dear  and  'ELIA'  sweet, 
To  join  me  in  the  bay. 

'VIRGINIA'  also  came  with  us, 

Played  'TRUANT'  from  her  school, 
The  'VIXEN'  said:    "Well,  I'm  your  'HAIRPIN'," 

For  'MIRTH'  it  is  my  rule. 

And  'ANNIE'  came  along  to  cheer, 

Likewise  the  chaste  'RAMONA,' 
And  'EDNA'  dear,  who  later  on, 

For  us  sang  'LA  PALOMA.' 

And  then  she  sang  an  air  from  'NORMA,' 

And  one  from  'MIGNON,'  too, 
And  'WHITE  WINGS'  and  the  well  known  air: 

"Whose  Little  Yacht  Are  You?" 


25 

And  so  with  each  most  lovely  'QUEEN,' 

You  bet  I  was  in  clover, 
All  I  can  say:   "A  man's  a  fool, 

Who  would  not  be  a  'ROVER'." 

From  'JESSIE'  I  tried  to  steal  a  kiss, 

'Twas  a  'CAPRICE,'  but  bah! 
She's  like  my  daughter,  but  she  said: 

'CHISPA,'  (Cheese,  Pa)  or  I'll  'THEL-MA  (tell  Ma). 

But  there  was  one  sweet  little  dear, 

To  her  I  lost  my  heart, 
And  I  was  sure  that  'CUPID'  small, 

Had  pierced  me  with  his  'DART/ 

So  if  you'll  keep  it  quiet, 

A  'SECRET'  I  will  tell; 
"If  you  want  to  know  'WITCH'  one  it  was, 

I'll  whisper— it  was  'BELLE/ 

The  wind  at  first  caused  but  a  'RIPPLE' 

Upon  the  waters  blue; 
But  soon  its  strength  increased, 

There  rose  a  'WAVE'  or  two. 

And  then  a  'FLASH'  of  lightning  came, 

That  made  us  almost  blind; 
Next  came  a  'WHIRLWIND'  and  a  'CYCLONE,' 

But  that  we  did  not  mind. 

For  soon  a  welcome  sail  we  spied 

On  the  shores  of  Alameda; 
And  all  of  us  were  very  glad, 

To  get  on  board  the  'FREDA.' 


26 


Now  I  will  'VENTURE'  the  remark, 
Though  you'll  say:   "I  don't  think," 

But  sure,  up  to  the  present  time, 
We  had  not  had  a  drink. 

No  sooner  had  we  got  aboard, 
We  heard  most  joyous  yells, 

And  through  the  kindness  of  our  hosts 
We  drank  to  'SEVEN  BELLS.' 

And  then  we  had  a  glorious  time, 
Which  lasted  till  the  'DAWN;' 

And  when  the  morning  broke  we  found 
That  all  the  Yachts  had  gone. 


LOVE  LIGHT  vs.  GASLIGHT 

He  called  on  his  best  girl  one  evening, 
They  spooned  in  the  parlor  till  late, 

They  spoke  words  of  love  to  each  other, 
Both  felt  they  had  found  a  soul  mate. 

Says  he:  "Darling,  I  love  you  sincerely." 
"And  I  love  you,  too,"  the  girl  sighs; 

He  answers:  "I  know  you  do,  dearest, 
I  see  the  LOVE  LIGHT  in  your  eyes." 

"Young  man,"  said  her  father,  who  entered 
The  room  as  the  clock  sounded  three, 

"The  light  that  you  see  is  the  GASLIGHT, 
And  the  bill  will  be  charged  up  to  me." 


27 


THE   CRUISE   OF    CAPTAIN    COOK 

(Written  for  the  Corinthian  Yacht  Club  in  1894.) 

A  skipper  sailed  the  ocean  blue, 

His  name  was  Captain  Cook; 
What  he  didn't  know  about  a  ship 

Would  fill  a  large-sized  book. 
His  ship  set  sail  from  Scotland's  shore, 

It's  strange  he  never  sank  her; 
He  showed  the  crew  a  pair  of  scales, 

Said:   "Boys,  let's  weigh  the  anchor." 

The  anchor  weighed,  this  Captain  bold 

Who  used  to  drink  hot  Scotch, 
Gave  out  the  order  to  his  crew, 

To  wind  the  larboard  watch; 
The  cook  said:   "Cap',  we  have  no  eggs, 

We're  in  an  awful  'stew'." 
The  Captain  said:   "Why,  that's  'stew'  bad, 

I'll  have  the  ship  'lay  to'  (two). 

The  cook  said:   "Now  I've  got  the  eggs, 

I'll  serve  them  up  to  you; 
But  I've  no  wood  to  light  the  fire, 

Whatever  will  I  do?" 
The  Captain  said:  .."Why,  that's  alright, 

Just  go  below,  you  dog; 
To  get  the  wood  you  need  so  bad, 

You  split  the  vessel's  log." 

He  had  a  lady  passenger, 

One  of  the  modest  kind; 
She'd  go  into  another  room 

Just  to  change  her  mind; 
One  night  a  fearful  storm  came  up, 

The  rain  in  torrents  poured; 
The  order  came:   "Haul  down  the  sheets," 

The  dame  jumped  overboard. 


28 


The  cook  unto  the  Captain  said, 

(As  on  the  sea  we  tossed) 
"If  you  know  where  a  thing  is  at, 

Can  you  say  it  is  lost?" 
The  Captain  said:    "Why  no,  you  fool, 

Where  did  you  get  that  notion?" 
The  cook  said:    "Well,  the  frying  pan's 

At  the  bottom  of  the  ocean." 

At  this,  the  Captain  gave  a  shout, 

His  spirits  now  had  risen; 
"I  guess  we  better  advertise 

Because  our  mast  is  mizzen"  (missing). 
And  then  to  make  the  matters  worse, 

Said  he:   "Well  now  boys,  maybe, 
Since  we  can't  raise  the  spanker  boom, 

Some  mother  will  spank  her  baby." 

He  saw  a  seasick  sailor  lad, 

For  dry  land  how  he  pined; 
The  Captain  said:    "Don't  fret,  old  man, 

Retain  your  presence  of  mind; 
The  sailor  heaved  a  heavy  sigh 

And  pressed  his  heaving  breast, 
"I  can't  retain  my  presence  of  mind, 

That's  going  with  the  rest." 

In  sailing  in  to  shore,  he  said: 

"I  know  this  harbor  well, 
In  fact,  I  know  the  rocks 

And  their  positions  I  can  tell;" 
Just  then  the  good  ship  gave  a  lurch, 

And  struck  a  reef,  I  vow, 
Says  he:   "You  bet,  I  know  the  rocks, 

Why,  THAT'S  ONE  OF  THEM  NOW." 


29 
"STANFORDS"  ON  THEIR  WHEELS 

(Written   for   Stanford   Parlor   No.   76,   N.   S.    G.   W.,   and   sung   at   a 
performance  given  in  Odd  Fellows  Hall  in  August,  1892.) 

The  latest  craze  that's  taken  up  by  all  true  friends  of 

sport, 

One  if  care  is  exercised  no  danger  you  can  court; 
It's  one  that  we  call  'cycling,'  'tis  a  fad  that  we  all  like, 
Every  member  of  Stanford  Parlor  is  a  rider  of  a  'bike'. 
Stanford  Parlor,  as  you  know,  is  always  in  the  race, 
In  all  kinds  of  contests  it  is  sure  to  take  first  place; 
Though  the  members  all  have  wheels  the  truth  it  must 

be  said, 
It  is  not  so,  as  some  say,  that  the  wheels  are  in  the  head. 

CHORUS 

With  shouts  and  roars  we  ride  in  twos  and  fours, 

Feet  stuck  firmly  to  the  pedals,  each  of  us  has  won  six 

medals; 

We  fall  off  to  see  just  how  it  feels, 
Along  we  tear»  none   compare  with   Stanfords   on  their 

wheels; 
We're  on  our  way — hip  hip  hooray — for  Stanfords  on  their 

wheels. 

Every  member  of  Stanford  Parlor  has  the  latest  fad, 
They're  all  wheel-struck,  and  if  they  are  not  careful  they'll 

go  mad; 

Ed.  Angelo  is  wheeling,  I  assure  you  it's  no  joke, 
You  can  see  him  any  day  at  the  gas-house  wheeling  smoke. 
Charley  Steiger,  sad  to  say,  not  even  stopped  by  marriage, 
Every  Sunday  afternoon  he  wheels  a  baby  carriage; 
There  is  Edward  Casey's  wheeling,  it  is  sure  to  win  'yer,' 
It's  making  him  so  strong,  he'll  soon  be  Wheeling — West 
Virginia. 


30 

Big  Bill  Daly  loved  a  dame  and  on  his  wheel  he  went, 
Dressed  in  his  best  suit  of  clothes,  proposal  his  intent, 
Unto  the  maiden  now  his  words  in  passioned  accents  flow: 
T'll  marry  you  at  once,  sweet  one,  take  me  for  weal  or 

woe." 
Says  she:  "This  is  so  sudden,"  but  accepts  his  proffered 

hand, 

A  year  goes  by,  poor  Bill  is  not  the  happiest  in  the  land; 
She's  satisfied  with  half  and  she  don't  want  it  all,  you 

know, 
You  see  now  she  has  got  the  wheel  and  Bill  has  got  the 

woe. 

Since   Big   Dave   Martin  lately   has  become   attached   to 

wheeling, 

He  never  is  afflicted  with  that  Monday  tired  feeling. 
'Stovepipe'  Hillman  goes  a  wheeling  for  the  Geisha  dames, 
And  he  is  no  more  tortured  now  with  those  pneumatic 

pains. 
Gus  Schleider  has  reduced  his  weight.     Has  he? 

Well  I  should  cough! 

And  he  has  met  with  great  success,  for  he  has  fallen  off. 
You  wonder  why  'Al.'  Evans  does  no  wheeling  on  the  side, 
That  Honey  Boy  he  is  so  fat,  he'd  sooner  sleep  than  ride. 

NO   GAS   METER 

Said  one  friend  to  another: 

"I  know  a  handsome  dame, 
I'd  like  to  have  you  meet  her, 

Helen   Gaspipe   is   her  name." 

Said  the  other:  "Nothing  doing  > 

I  must  decline  to  greet  her; 
I'll    have   you   understand,    sir, 

That  I  am  no  gas  meter." 


31 
HANDY'S  AUTO'S  ON  THE  BLINK 

(Written  in  1909,  when  the  members  of  the  then  Board  of  Supervisors 
experienced  some  trouble  in  locating  their  chauffeur  and  auto.) 

Where  is  Handy  and  his  auto? 

Payot  wants  him  in  a  wink; 
But  it's  got  a  'busted'  tire, 

Handy's  auto's  on  the  blink. 


Broderick  is  tired  walking, 

Will  he  ride?    Well,  I  don't  think; 
The  carburetor's  got  the  palsy, 

Handy's  auto's  on  the  blink. 

Comte  wants  to  reach  his  office 
And  with  rage  his  face  is  pink, 

For  the  gas'line  tank  is  empty, 
Handy's  auto's  on  the  blink. 

Hocks  would  like  to  'auto'  homeward, 
There  to  find  love's  missing  link; 

But  he'll  have  to  take  a  streetcar, 
Handy's  auto's  on  the  blink. 

McLeran  says  he  wants  the  auto, 
For  the  prize  fights  at  the  Rink; 

But  the  crank  pin  is  'kerflummixed,' 
Handy's  auto's  on  the  blink. 

Murphy  says:   "I  never  use  it, 
It's  a  'hoodoo'  sure,  I  think; 

So  forsooth,  why  should  I  worry? 
If  Handy's  auto's  on  the  blink." 

Booth  says:    "Sutro  Heights  is  distant, 
Seven  miles  to  Ocean's  brink;" 

"Jim,  I  guess  you'll  have  to  hoof  it, 
Handy's  auto's  on  the  blink." 


32 


"Why  make  all  this  fuss  and  bother?" 
Bancroft  says,  with  knowing  wink; 

"Own  an  auto  and  you  care  not 
If  Handy's  auto's  on  the  blink." 

Jennings  hears  it  all  in  silence, 

Then  says  he:  "Well,  boys,  I  think 

It  costs  a  bunch  of  'kopecks' 
To  have  that  auto  on  the  blink." 

Pollok  says:    "Let's  sell  the  old  thing, 

Or  in  the  ocean  let  it  sink, 
For  we're  mighty  tired  having 

Handy's   auto   is   on  the  blink." 

"Ah,  come  off,"  says  Giannini, 

You  must  have  had  a  drink. 
I  don't  give  a  dam  Hetch  Hetchy 

IF  HANDY'S  AUTO'S  ON  THE  BLINK." 

ICY  VENUS 

On  Milo's  statue  once  I  gazed, 
'Twas   Venus   in   her  beauty  rare; 

Her  grace  so  sweet  I  loudly  praised, 

Said  I:  "Dear  one,  thou'rt  wondrous'  fair." 

This   armless   maid  impervious  was 
To    flattery's    most    subtle    shaft; 

She  deigned  not   e'en  to  notice  me, 
No  smile  gave  she,  nor  even  laughed. 

Her  lips  gave  forth  no  answ'ring  throb, 
No  blushes  of  her  face  formed  part; 

She   gave  me  not  the   joyful  hand, 
But   showed  to  me  the  marble  heart. 


33 
WHAT  HUGHES  SHOULD  WRITE  TO  WILSON 

(Written  just  after  the  Presidential  campaign  of  1916,  when  there 
was  some  speculation  as  to  what  the  defeated  Republican  candidate, 
Charles  E.  Hughes,  would  write  to  President  Woodrow  Wilson,  if 
at  all.  The  verses  brought  a  courteous  letter  of  acknowledgment 
from  Mrs.  Wilson,  to  whom  a  copy  was  sent.) 

Friend  Woodrow:    Please  accept  my  hand, 
Though  you  can't  hear  my  voice, 

Congratulations  I  extend, 

You  are  the  People's  Choice. 

You  polled  600,000  votes 

More  than  I  could  scrape  and  glean; 
States  30  swung  around  your  way, 

While  I  got  just  18. 

You  won  a  gallant  Victory, 

My  followers  ran  short; 
The  People  picked  you  as  "The  Man," 

That's  the  Court  of  Last  Resort. 

Some  of  my  local  managers 

Just  spilled  the  beans  I  guess; 
What  I  regret  the  most  of  all 

Is  the  CALIFORNIA  MESS. 

Don't  mind  what  Willcox  has  to  say 

About  that  Recount  Gag, 
I  take  the  COUNT,  and  you  are  "IT" 

In  this  litle  Game  of  Tag. 

You  did  not  have  to  buck  against 

Progressive  jars  and  snarls; 
You  WIN— I  LOSE— I'll  say  no  more, 

But  sign  myself,  Friend 

CHARLES. 


34 


ONE  HUNDRED  MILLION  STRONG 

(Written  when  the  entry  of  the  United  States  into  the  war  with  Ger 
many  was  being  discussed  and  President  Wilson  was  doing 
all  in  his  power  to  bring  about  Peace.) 

We  are  with  you  Woodrow  Wilson 

In  your  fight  for  War  to  cease; 
You're  the  Savior  of  our  Nation, 

You're  the  Champion  brave  of  Peace. 
To  our  'Fair'  we  bid  you  welcome, 

May  your  time  of  life  be  long, 
And  we'll  follow  you  to  Victory, 

100,000,000  STRONG. 

You're  a  hero,  Woodrow  Wilson, 

An  American  to  the  core; 
You're  a  man  the  type  of  Lincoln, 

You're  revered  from  shore  to  shore.. 
You're  First  in  Peace,  brave  Woodrow, 

And  you  know  Right  from  Wrong, 
And  we  want  you  for  our  Leader, 

100,000,000  STRONG. 

We'll  stand  by  you  Woodrow  Wilson, 

For  you're  a  man  of  brain; 
With  courage  that  is  fearless, 

You're  a  ruler  safe  and  sane. 
You  are  a  brave  defender 

Of  our  Flag  we've  loved  so  long; 
With  cheers  for  RED,  the  WHITE  and  BLUE— 

100,000,000  STRONG. 


35 


THE  OPERAS  AT  A  BANQUET 

(Written   in  the  old  Tivoli  days,   when  the  operas  named  were  all  the 
vogue — some  of  them  being  popular  to  this  day.) 


The  guests  are  assembled  in  pairs  operatic; 

'MIKADO'  accompanies  'NANON'  so  shy; 
There's  'PATIENCE'  with  'DON  GIOVANNI'  phlegmatic, 

And  'MARTHA'  with  'ROBERT,  THE  DEVIL'  go  by. 


There's  sweet  'AMORITA'  and  charming  'PEPITA,' 

Escorted  by  'FALSTAFF'  and  'LITTLE  TYCOON'; 
With    'FAUST,'    'OLIVETTE;'     'WILLIAM    TELL'    with 

'GILLETTE'; 

'FRA  DIAVOLO'  and  'MIGNON,'  who  both  came  too 
soon. 

'MANOLA'  and  'FALKA'  and  sweet  'SATANELLA,' 
Bettina,  'THE  MASCOTTE,'  with  'BLUE  BEARD'  so 

glum; 
'NELL    GWYNNE,'    RIP    VAN    WINKLE'    and    lovely 

'STRADELLA,' 
With  all  these  celebrities  how  things  will  hum. 

'CLAUDE  DUVAL'  comes  released  in  'TRIAL  BY  JURY,' 
'GRAND    DUCHESS'   has    'LUCIA'   and   'NORMA'    in 
charge; 

'MARJOLAINE'  is  on  deck  in  a  terrible  fury; 

'FATINITZA,'  'MARITANA,'  the  number  is  large. 


36 


'DONNA  JUANITA'  and  'SULTAN  OF  MOCHA/ 
'VIRGINIA,'  'AID A'  and  'MADAME  ANGOT"; 

'ROBINSON  CRUSOE,'  who  likes  to  play  poker, 
'BOCCACIO'  who  steps  on  'GIROFLE'S'  toe. 

'GYPSY  BARON'  walks  in  with  'LA  BELLE  HELENE/ 
smiling, 

'THE  BOHEMIAN  GIRL'  fascinates  'ROYAL  MIDDY'; 
'CINDERELLA'  the  'LITTLE  DUKE'S'  heart  is  beguiling; 

'THREE  GUARDSMEN'  flirt  with  'GALATEA'  so  giddy. 

'PRINCE  METHUSALEM'  goes  in  with  dear  'PRINCESS 

IDA/ 

'BLACK  HUSSAR'  marches  with  gay,  martial  tread; 
'BILLEE   TAYLOR'   and   'LURLINE/   'IOLANTHE'   be 
side  her, 
'RIGOLETTO/  who  wished  he  had  stayed  home  in  bed. 

'ROBIN  HOOD'  runs  a  bluff  on  the  quiet  'SAID  PASHA/ 
Is  bravely  repulsed  by  'THE  SEA  KING/  his  pal; 

Who  says:   "Just  look  here,  you  old  masher, 

You  cannot  bluff  me,  though  you  might  'BLUFF  KING 
HAL'." 

'VICE-ADMIRAL'  comes  in  at  the  sound  of  gun, 
'THE  PIRATES  OF  PENZANCE'  will  have  lots  of  fun. 

If  you  count  you  will  find  sixty-one  is  the  sum; 
Sixty-two,  not  forgetting  the  wise  'OBERON.' 


37 


THE  TALE  OF  A  PERFECT  DAY 

(Writen   after   Tax    Collector   Edward   F.    Bryant,    the   members   of   his 
staff  and  friends,  motored  to  Congress  Springs  on  May  30th,  1916.) 

Listen,  boys,  I'll  tell  a  tale 

Of  interesting  things, 
When  the  Tax  Collector's  Club 

Motored  to  Congress  Springs. 
Our  Chief,  "Ed."  Bryant,  he  was  there 

In  renovated  lid; 
Believe  me,  Bo',  that  "Eddie  boy" 

Is  sure  "Some  Kandy  Kid." 
"Maurie"  Rapheld,  man  of  avoirdupois, 

"The  Man  Behind  the  Gun," 
Danced  with  all  the  pretty  "chicks," 

And  his  wife  enjoyed  the  fun. 
"Father"  Twohig,  President, 

The  starting  gong  did  strike, 
Said:    "Bless  you,  children,  one  and  all, 

And  go  as  far  as  you  like." 
Mrs.  Sheriff  Finn  was  there, 

She  brought  her  jovial  laugh; 
We  only  had  but  one  regret, 

She  didn't  bring  her  better-half. 
Next  in  command  was  J.   K.  Jones, 

The  man  who  never  flirts, 
In  splendid  khaki  uniform, 

He  looked  like  Major  Shirts. 
"Cupid"  Angelo,  proud  as  could  be, 

Rode  in  a  Winton  Six; 
For  one  day  Charles  O'Connor, 

On  him  could  play  no  tricks. 


38 


Anderson,  who  drove  the  car 

And  "threw  her  in  the  high," 
His  wife  and  Angelo's  daughter 

Said:    "We  dearly  love  to  fly." 
"Jim"  Miller,  who  is  fond  of  blondes. 

"Sunny  Jim,"  he's  not  so  slow, 
Said:   "I'd  rather  be  with  'Lady  Ware/ 

Than  anywhere  I  know." 
Barney  Tripp  with  his  broad  grin, 

He  surely  got  our  goats, 
Kept  busy  while  the  dance  was  on, 

Taking  care  of  ladies'  coats. 
And  for  his  pains  in  doing  so, 

He  didn't  get  one  tip, 
But  Margaret  and  Adele  said: 

"We  both  enjoyed  our  trip." 
Myles  Walsh,  who  did  a  two-step 

With  the  little  dears, 
Said:   "I  didn't  think  it  was  in  me, 

My  first  in  forty  years." 
"Parse"  Miller  and  Charles  Broad  were  there, 

And  joined  the  little  "Joys"; 
Said  Parse:    "It  takes  me  back  to  the  60's 

When  Charles  and  I  were  boys." 
And  Poultney  at  the  piano, 

Brought  back  the  days  long  gone, 
Played  "The  Tipperary  Christening" 

And  that  dear  old  "Cruiskeen  Lawn." 
"Joe"  Stapleton  and  Harry  Kelly, 

From  Hayes  Valley,  came  to  see 
And  hear  "Straw  Boss"  Comyns  deny 

That  he  was  a  "Simon  Legree" 


And  Cashier  Ed  O'Connor, 

Danced  and  charged  no  fees, 
His  partner  whispered  to  him: 

"Ed,  please  don't  knock  my  knees." 
Ike  Citron,  delinquent  tax  list  kid, 

Said  :  '  'Boys,  no  need  to  hurry, 
Forget  there  is  a  license  tax, 

Whatever  you  do,  'Don't  Worry'." 
The  day  passed  merrily  away, 

Without  a  single  mishap 
Till  Beauce  a  Twin  Peaks  boulder  dropped 

In  Mrs.  George  Black's  lap. 
James  Maher  likes  us  to  be  civil, 

In  our  service  not  to  lag, 
And  Zion  showed  us  how  to  dance 

The  late  "Efficiency  Rag." 
McGinness   and  Harmon  came   in  late, 

Remarked  they  never  felt  better, 
They  said  some  one  poured  "Bevo" 

In  their  carburetor. 
I.  Goldman  looked  in  on  the  scene, 

His  auto  horn  he  tooted, 
Ike  said:   "I  just  dropped  in  to  see 

If  all  the  girls  are  suited." 
O'Rourke  and  Carroll,  James, 

Two  demons  they  for  speed, 
With  Barney  Oldfield  in  a  race, 

They'd  surely  take  the  lead. 
McCormick,  Tiernan,  O'Brien,  Devine, 

Said:   "It's  a  splendid  cruise," 
And  Frankie  Smith  for  one  whole  day 

Filled  the  Tax  Collector's  shoes. 
In  Santa  Clara  Valley 

Where  fruit  is  doing  fine, 


40 


St.  Clair  said:    "I'd  throw  up  my  job 

If  all  these  trees  were  mine." 
Homer  Warren  watched  affairs, 

From  out  his  starboard  lamp, 
"There's  no  mistake  about  this  game, 

Never  mind  the  'Error  Stamp'." 
And  Richardson  was  there 

He  was  our  guide  that  day, 
Till  he  ran  out  of  gasoline, 

But  we  all  found  the  way. 
Phil  Allen,  he  who  has  a  scent 

As  keen  as  any  mouse, 
Said:   "Now  a  license  I'll  collect, 

I  see  an  Apartment  House." 
"Milt  Clark,  Albora  and  "Bill"  Carr 

And  all  the  thirsty  bunch, 
Drank  up  ten  toasts  to  "Happy  Days," 

In  Miller's  claret  punch. 
George  Black  just  nibbled  now  and  then, 

That  night,  when  all  departed, 
Said:    "What's  the  use  of  quitting  now? 

Why  I've  only  just  got  started." 
Alice  Beauce  enjoyed  the  day 

Which  ended  to  her  sorrow. 
She  said:    "We've  all  had  so  much  fun, 

Let's  go  again — to-morrow!" 
Charles  Loesch,  who  "Bobby"  Dennis  says, 

In  the  doughnut  put  the  hole, 
Said:    "Boys,  I'm  neutral,  for  I  bake 

Both  French  and  German  roll." 
The  day's  success  showed  just  one  thing, 

Tax  Office  bunch  "Knows  How." 
Here's  hoping  many  more  we'll  have, 

I'll  say  "Good-bye"  right  now. 


41 


THE  MODERN  CASABIANCA 

The  boy  stood  on  the  burning  roof, 

In  his  heart  was  black  despair; 
He  looked  aloft,  he  looked  aloof, 

No  power  could  save  him  there. 
And  then  around  that  fearless  youth 

The  firemen  aimed  a  stream, 
But  it  was  useless  work  forsooth, 

The  water  turned  to  steam. 
Soon  through  the  horror  stricken  crowd 

A  man  began  to  grope; 
"There's  always  life,"  he  cried  aloud, 

"Wherever  there  is  soap." 
Then  grabbing  up  a  large-sized  cake, 

He  held  it  up  on  high; 
"Play  on  that  soap  for  mercy's  sake, 

That  poor  boy  must  not  die." 
Upon  that  cake  of  Castile  soap 

The  water  soon  did  gather, 
And  then  that  boy,  with  new-born  hope, 

Slid  safely  down  the  "lather"  (ladder), 
Another  time  that  self-same  lad 

Stood  on  the  burning  deck; 
His  outlook  now  is  more  than  sad, 

He'll  soon  sink  with  the  wreck. 
But  hope  has  been  renewed  again, 

Just  when  all  hope  seemed  lost, 
And  now  to  him,  with  might  and  main, 

A  bar  of  soap  is  tossed. 
The  boy  for  life  begins  to  cope, 

He  will  be  saved  once  more; 
For  grabbing  up  that  bar  of  soap 

He  washed  himself  ashore. 


42 
THE  MAIL  CARRIER'S  DREAM 

(Written  on   seeing  a   letter  carrier  carrying  a  load  of  mail.) 

If  I  had  my  way  the  people  would  live 

In  certain  prescribed  locations, 
In  streets  whose  names  would  correspond 

To  their  various  occupations. 

I'd  have  the  Ministers  in  CHURCH  street  live, 
"C"  street  would  have  the  Sailors; 

The  Jewelers  in  DIAMOND  street, 
In  TAYLOR  street,  the  Tailors. 

The  Candy  Stores  in  MAPLE  street, 
The  chewers  of  gum  in  SPRUCE; 

In  HICKORY  street  School  Teachers 
Could  give  their  pupils  the  'deuce.' 

Watchmakers  go  in  ELGIN  PARK, 
In  SHOTWELL  all  good  Shooters; 

To  NOE  (No)  street  I  would  consign 
All  Disappointed  Suitors. 

Confectioners  in  BAKER  street, 

BUSH  street  flower  stores  I'd  give; 

In  ARMY,  FRONT  and  DRUMM 
The  Soldiers  brave  would  live. 

The  Thieves  and  Crooks  I'd  put  in  HYDE, 

All  Dancers  go  in  TURK; 
Of  course  would  live  on  EASY  street 

Any  man  who  does  not  work. 

In  GREEN  street  country  'jays'  would  go, 

In  MARKET,  Butchers  fat; 
To  CAPP  and  BEAVER  I  would  send 

Any  man  that  sells  a  hat. 


43 


Bricklayers  go  in  MASON  street, 

All  Woodchoppers  in  FELL; 
Some  "Vodvil"  actors  that  I  know 

In  CHESTNUT  street  would  dwell. 

The  'Nuts'  would  live  in  FILBERT  street, 

All  Enemies  in  HAIGHT; 
Upon  front  door  steps  in  all  streets 

The  men  that  go  home  late. 

In  13th  street  I'd  surely  place 

The  'Hobo'  and  the  'Jonah'; 
The  girl  you  call  on  that's  always  out 

I'd  put  upon  'NOT-HOMER'  (Natoma). 

Moon-struck  swains  in  CRESCENT  street, 

The  Fuel  men  in  COLE; 
In  CLAY  the  Sculptors  colonize, 

In  POST  street  every  Pole. 

The  Nation's  Heroes  would  in  GRANT 

And  WASHINGTON  reside; 
In  OAK  and  PINE  and  GROVE 

All  Woodmen — side  by  side. 

In  BATTERY  street  War  Howlers 
Their  violent  talk  would  cease; 

And  all  along  PACIFIC 

The  People  who  want  PEACE. 

AMERICANS  in  UNION  street, 
For  then  by  that  same  token, 

The  thought  most  cherished  by  us  all; 
In  UNION— STRENGTH— is  spoken. 


44 


STATES  AND  CITIES  OF  THE  U.  S.  A. 

Not  long  ago  I  took  a  trip 

Thru  our  United  States, 
And  saw  a  score  of  funny  sights, 

Which  I  will  now  relate. 

I  thought  I'd  first  go  to  SE-ATTLE, 

But  SAU-SALITO,  who 
Told  me  ARKAN-SAW  her, 

And  MENDO-CINO  too. 

Says  I:  I'll  go  TO-PEK-A,  Kansas, 

Saw  many  that  were  poor, 
But  was  introduced  to  LEAVEN-WORTH 

A  million  dollars  or  more. 

I  made  a  jump  clear  into  Maine, 

Saw  a  lady  BANG-OR  hair, 
When  AUGUST-A  wind  came  down  the  street, 

And  she  had  TACOMA  (to  comb  her)  there. 

I  saw  a  'tough'  in  Memphis, 

He  was  playing  TENNES-SEE! 

Another  man  was  MACON  (making),  Georgia, 
And  SANTA  was  his  FE  (Fee). 

In  MAINE  a  tall  man  took  a  BATH, 

His  conduct  it  was  wanton, 
He  was  the  meanest  man  of  all, 

MASSACHUSETTS  he  was  TAUNTON. 

I  saw  the  festive  MISSISS-IPPI, 

With  sweet  MISS-OURI  in  tow, 
And  MINNE-SOTA,  too,  was  there 

WTith  CHARLES-TON,  her  beau. 


45 


I  saw  HELENA  in  MONTANA, 

I  tell  you  she's  a  BUTTE; 
She  just  put  her  NEW  JERSEY  on, 

My  goodness!  she  was  cute. 

I  saw  a 'detective  once  in  DENVER, 

And  a  man  you  ne'er  saw  madder: 
He  couldn't  collar  the  'crook'  he  sought, 

He  couldn't  even  COLOR-ADO. 

I  saw  a  doctor  LANSING,  MICHIGAN, 

A  SUPERIOR  man  was  he; 
He  said:    "I'm  not  ON-TARIO, 

But  I  see  HUR-ON  ('you're  on')  to  me. 

I  saw  a  mother  in  New  Jersey 

PAT-ER-SON  upon  the  back; 
She  sadly  said:  "And  you  TU-LARE  (too  'Larry') 

Will  leave  me  and  will  not  come  back." 

A  man  unto  me  said:   "HAWAII"  (how  are  you?), 

The  question  made  me  wince; 
I  said:    "I'm  in  CHICAGO,  ILL., 

And  he  has  not  SPOKANE  since. 

I  never  had  a  better  time 

In  the  course  of  all  my  life; 
But  I  got  sort  of  lonesome 

For  children,  home  and  wife. 

There  is  no  place  like  'Home,  Sweet  Home,' 

For  there  you  run  no  risk,  Oh! 
And  I  am  sure  that  I  was  glad, 

To  get  back  to  SAN  FRANCISCO, 


46 


DUES— DUES— DUES 

(Written   in   1916  for  the  Dominican   Convent,   San  Rafael,   California, 

and  depicting  the  woes  of  the  girl  who  collected  the  various 

class  dues. 

Oh,  pity  the  woes  of  a  girl! 

My  mind  I  am  going  to  lose, 
My  Brain  is  in  a  mad  whirl, 

Collecting   DUES— DUES— AND— DUES. 

For  four  years  I  have  been  the  tool 

On  the  job,  for  I  cannot  refuse, 
As  Treasurer  of  the  High  School, 

I'm  "stung"  to  rake  in  all  the  DUES. 

In  my  studies  I'm  not  worth  a  dime, 

I  can't  even  read  the  War  News, 
I  waste  nearly  all  of  my  time 

In  a  wild  chase  for  CECILIAN  DUES. 

I  can't  sleep  at  night  any  more, 

In  daytime  I  can't  even  snooze, 
With  thoughts  of  that  hideous  bore 

Of  gathering  in  PICNIC  DUES. 

I  eat  all  my  meals  on  the  hop, 

My  digestion  I  daily  abuse, 
At  breakfast  my  eggs  I  must  drop 

In  a  scramble  for  ATHLETIC  DUES. 

With  the  query:   "Have  you  settled  yet?" 
Or  else:   "To  pay  now  do  you  choose?" 

All  day  I  throw  out  the  net 

To  round  up  the  CHARITY  DUES. 


47 


I  know  that  your  cash  to  unload 

Is  like  lighting  a  gunpowder  fuse, 

With  anger  some  of  you  explode, 

When  you  have  to  dig  up  CLASS  DUES. 

A  collector  who  nails  a  bad  debt, 

I  believe  I  am  going  to  use, 
And  maybe  he'll  help  me  to  get 

At  least  half  of  those  PHOTO-PLAY  DUES. 

Now  schoolmates  do  have  a  heart, 

Don't  make  me  resort  to  a  ruse, 
To  induce  some  collegiates  to  part 

With  the  coin  for  SODALITY  DUES. 

When  you  stand  at  the  Heav'nly  Gate, 
No  doubt  you  will  shake  in  your  shoes, 

For  St.  Peter  will  say:  "You  are  late, 

Have  you  paid  up  your  SPIRITUAL  DUES?" 


DOWN  TO  HIS  LASSOO 

The  pauper  cried  in  accents  sad: 

"Whatever  will  I  do? 
This  state  of  things  will  drive  me  mad, 

I'm  down  to  my  last  'sou'." 

The  cowboy  heard  his  tale  of  woe, 
And  said:    "That  fact  don't  rue, 

Old  Scout,  I  never  worry  though, 
I'm  down  to  my  las-soo." 


48 
LITTLE  AND  BIG  CASINO 

'Ike'  Cohen  played  a  game  of  poker  one  day 

With  his  friend  O'Donovan  Ennis, 
And  he  knew  just  as  much  about  playing  the  game, 

As  an  Eskimo  knows  of  lawn  tennis. 


It  was  Ennis'  deal  and  he  passed  out  the  cards 
Until  each  one  of  them  had  his  quota; 

Both  players  stood  pat  and  the  betting  commenced, 
Quite  as  swift  as  an  electric  motor. 

O'Donovan  says:   "Ike,  I  have  a  great  hand," 

And  the  wind  through  his  whiskers  got  breezy; 

When  Cohen  said:   "Ennis,  I  bet  you  ain't  in  it, 
Dis  hand  vot  I  have  is  a  'deesy'." 


They  bet  on  their  hands  in  a  feverish  way, 
As  if  lives  on  the  outcome  depended, 

Till  O'Donovan  called  and  showed  Aces  four 
And  then  the  suspense  it  was  ended. 

Then  Cohen  smiled  a  most  Hebraic  smile, 
And  the  green  in  his  eye  became  greener; 

"Your  four  aces,  old  man,  are  of  no  eart'ly  use, 
I  'haf  leetle  and  big  Casino." 


49 


CICOTTE 

(There    have    been    all    sorts    of    arguments    as    to    how    to    pronounce 
the    name   of   Edward   Cicotte,    who   pitched   for    Chicago   base 
ball   team    in   the   world   series   of    1916    against   the 
New    York    "Giants,") 

How  Do  You  Pronounce  It? 


I'm  in  bad  for  I  knoweth  not 

How  to  pronounce  the  name  Cicotte. 

The  topic  has  annexed  my  goat; 

A  local  'fan'  calls  him  Sy-Coat. 

A  pal  of  mine  unto  me  wrote: 

No  pitcher  has  it  on  See-Cote. 

A  'weisenheimer'  made  me  hot 

The  way  he  talked  about  See-Cot. 

A  pedagogue,  who  French  had  taught, 

Insisted  it  is  plain  Sea-Caught. 

A  lady  'fan'  who  'mooched'  a  ticket, 

Said,  "Ain't  he  grand,  that  pitcher  Sick-et?" 

My  best  friend  solved  the  problem  knotty; 

He  said,  "I'm  for  that  guy  Sick-otty. 

A  pug  who  was  supposed  to  mix  it, 

Says,   'nuttin'  to  it.    His  name  is  Six-it." 

And  then  to  thicken  up  the  plot, 

One  'fan'  yelled,  "Attaboy,  Kiss-ott. 

Maybe  it  rhymes  with  apricot; 

Now  should  it  be,  or  not,  Sic-ott? 

A  scribe  exclaims,  "that's  all  nigh  rot, 

The  name  will  always  be  Sigh-Cot. 

A  boy  'fan'  shouted  "Hully  Gee!" 

You  should  pronounce  it  Sick-o-tee." 

The  Giants  say  he's  always  trying, 

And  they  pronounce  him  mystifying. 


50 


I  CAN  NOT  SING  THE  OLD  SONGS 

I  can  not  sing  the  old  songs, 
The  sweetest,  best  of  all; 
Their  soft  and  beauteous  melody 
Sad  memories  recall. 


I  can  not  sing  the  old  songs, 
For  bitter  tears  will  stream, 

And  bring  a  saddened  memory 
That  now  is  but  a  dream. 


The  Muse,  who  penned  the  dulcet  notes 

Of  songs  of  olden  times, 
Has  built  a  lasting  monument 

In  those  harmonious  chimes. 


Those  tender  and  melodious  tones 

Pathetic  in  their  strain, 
Engulf  my  saddened  heart 

In  a  well  of  grief  and  pain. 

I  can  not  sing  the  old  songs, 

I  really  can  not  'go'  them; 
I  can  not  sing  the  old  songs, 

Because— I  DO  NOT  KNOW  THEM. 


51 
WHERE  SOME  WOULD  HAVE  THE  FAIR 

(Written   for   the   Pacific    Gas   and   Electric   Magazine   when   there   was 
considerable  discussion  as  to  just  where  the  great  Panama- 
Pacific  Exposition  of  1915  should  be  located.) 

They  took  a  vote  in  Gasville, 

Among  bookkeepers  there, 
As  to  the  site  each  wanted 

For  the  1915  Fair. 

Said  Hyland:   "Just  a  minute, 

Be  sure  and  keep  it  dark, 
I  think  the  best  place  for  the  Fair 

Is  in  Idora  Park." 

Conens  next  expressed  his  choice, 

Said  he:   "You  make  me  sick; 
That  Fair  should  be  in  Larkspur 

Where  the  mud  and  dust  are  thick." 

Then  Collins  had  his  little  say, 

"I  know  a  place  that's  grand, 
I'd  put  your  bloomin*  Fair,  old  chap, 

In  London,  on  the  Strand." 

Then  Angelo,  the  yachtsman, 

Said:    "Boy's,  this  is  no  "con," 
My  motion  is  to  have  the  Fair 

On  the  shores  of  Tiburon." 

Said  Boggs:   "List',  while  I  whisper 

The  best  place  that  I  know, 
You  stick  the  Fair  on  Union  Square — 

I  won't  have  far  to  go." 


52 


Said  Wrinkle  of  the  "Closings," 
As  a  'fan'  he  won  some  fame, 

"Let  us  have  it  on  a  diamond 
With  continuous  baseball  game." 

Said  Wentz,  who  plays  the  'cello, 
As  he  smiled  serene  and  bland, 

"Just  put  the  Fair  most  anywhere, 
But  let  me  lead  the  band." 

Next  Brearty  spake  his  preference, 

As  a  hunter  he's  not  slow, 
"I  want  the  Fair  on  marshy  land, 

Where  ducks  fly  very  low." 

McCarthy  smoothed  his  golden  locks, 

Said,  as  he  cast  his  vote, 
"Let's  put  it  on  Goat  Island 

And  get  everybody's  goat." 

"  'Golden  Gate  Valley'  for  mine," 

Said  Moon,  "there  crowds  will  follow, 

And  I  will  pulverize  the  man 

Who  calls  the  place  'Cow  Hollow'." 

The  next  to  vote  was  Donovan, 

Said  he:    "I'm  not  a  yeller, 
But  I  would  like  to  see  the  Fair 
In  one  great  big  Rathskeller." 

Fitzgerald  said:  "You  take  my  tip, 

To  do  it  up  in  style, 
The  Fair  should  be  located 

Upon  the  Emerald  Isle." 


53 


'Jim'  Murphy  said:  "You  'guys'  are  fierce, 
You're  all  mixed  in  your  dates, 

It  should  be  in  a  quiet  spot 
With  no  electric  rates." 

Bigue  said:   "Quit  your  'kidding,' 

I'd  spoil  nobody's  plans, 
The  ideal  spot  for  that  World's  Fair 

Is  down  at  'Coffee  Dan's'." 

Said  Gewirtz,  who  must  reach  for  books 

Upon  the  topmost  row: 
"Please  do  not  put  it  up  too  high, 

Short  men  should  have  some  show." 

Said  Kavanaugh:    "At  the  altar 

I'd  have  'My  Lady  Fair,' 
And  next  November  I'll  be  sure 

To  join  the  dear  one  there." 

"In  my  opinion,"  Compton  said, 

"So  there'll  be  no  mistake, 
At  Electra  I  would  place  the  Fair 

On  the  banks  of  Tabeaud  Lake." 

"We'll  have  that  Fair,"  said  Simpson, 
(Of  the  "Weeklies"  he  is  clerk) 

"Way  over  in  some  corner 

Where  the  boss  can't  see  you  work." 

Then  Haver  said,  with  gentle  sneer: 

"You  fellows  make  me  weep, 
The  Fair  should  be  in  Oakland 

Where  we  can  go  to  sleep." 


54 


'Jack'   Willis,   a   subscriber 

To  the  Fund,  said:  "You  can  bet, 

I  care  not  where  the  Fair  is  put, 
If  dividends  we  get." 

The  last  to  speak  was  Oldis, 
"You  all  have  had  your  say, 

Why  bother  where  the  Fair  is  held, 
So  your  'Balance'  is  '0.  K.'." 

Now  every  "bookie"  has  been  heard, 
With  more  or  less  of  gas, 

The  writer  favors  all  the  sites 
If  he  gets  a  season  pass. 


PRESSING  HIS  SUIT 

Charles  Gilsey  courts  a  maiden  fair, 
But  she  keeps  him  'a  guessing'; 

And  though  she  is  a  fickle  dame, 
Still  Charles  his  suit  is  pressing. 

She  now  consents  to  marry  him 
And  prove  to  him  a  blessing; 

His  tailor  gets  in  on  the  deal, 

For  Charles  his  suit  is  pressing. 


55 
WHEN  WALLACE  CALLED  THEM  UP 

(Written  in  1911  for  the  Pacific  Gas  and  Electric  Magazine.) 

There  was  merriment  in  Gasville 

The  day  the  biters  bit, 
At  the  'phone  call  left  by  "Wallace," 

List'  while  I  tell  of  it. 

First  Burdick  got  a  little  note: 

"Mr.  Wallace  left  a  call," 
He  rang  up  West  6140, 

Ah!  heavy  did  he  fall. 

"This   is   Burdick  of  the   Gashouse:" 

Said  he  in  anxious  tone; 
"Mr.  Wallace  wants  to  talk  to  me, 

Tell  him  I'm  on  the  'phone." 

"There's  no  such  party  at  this  place," 

Came  back  the  quick  reply; 
But  Burdick,  angry,   said  there  was, 

And  the  fur  begun  to  fly. 

"Wallace  wanted  me  to  ring  him  up," 

The  whiskered  Burdick  said; 
"Go  chase  yourself,"  the  man  replied, 

"You've  got  wheels  in  your  head." 

Then    Bonamy   his    legder    dropped, 

He   took   a   great  big   bite; 
When  told  there  was  no  Wallace  there, 

Said:  "Never  mind,  I'll  write." 


56 


Next  Simpson  got  the  word  to  'phone, 
But  the  man  had  got  a  "hunch/' 

Said  he,  "Wallace  is  not  here  just  now, 
He's  busy  taking  lunch." 

"How  long  will  he  be  gone  away?" 

Said    Simpson,   looking   sour; 
The  answer  came,  "I'm  not  quite  sure, 

But  he   feeds   about   an   hour." 

Then   Simpson   said,  "All  right,  old  chap, 

This  is  Sutter  140; 
Just  tell  him   he   can   ring   me   up, 

I  guess  I'll  have  to  go." 

The  biting  bunch  just  grew  and  grew 

As  one  by  one  they  fall; 
There's  Whiting,  Boggs,  and  others  too, 

Swallowed  bait  and  hook  and  all. 

The  last  to   bite  was   Kuechen — 

He  wished  to  be  alone, 
So  we  couln't  overhear  his  talk, 

He   went   downstairs    to    'phone. 

"Call  Mr.  Wallace  to  the  "phone," 

Said  Kuechen,  "for  they  say 
His   business   is   most  urgent, 

So   I  called  up  right  away." 

Said  the   "Guinea"   on  the   other  end, 
Whose  patience  they'd  been  tryin', 

"Say  you,  come  off,  this  is  the  Chutes 
And  Wallace  is  a  lion." 


57 
PUTTING  THE  ENGINE  IN  THE  ROUNDHOUSE 

(Written  after  hearing  the  joke  told  by  Mark  Murphy,  Irish  comedian.) 

Two  Irishmen  were  fixing  up 

An  engine  near  a  train: 
They  hadn't  finished  up  the  job, 

When  it  commenced  to  rain; 
Finnegan  said:   "I'll  put  the  engine 

In  the  roundhouse  here;" 
Said  Casey:    "Faith,  I  never  knew 

You  were  an  engineer." 

Finnegan  jumped  into  the  cab, 

The  throttle  he  pushed  down; 
The  engine  went  into  the  house, 

He  did  the  job  up  brown; 
But  then  he  pulled  the  throttle  back 

To  stop  when  in  he  got, 
And  right  out  of  the  roundhouse  then 

The  engine  quickly  shot. 

Finnegan  did  this  seven  times, 

To  Casey's  great  disgust; 
The  engine  shot  out  every  time, 

At  which  he  loudly  'cussed'; 
Finnegan  says  to  Casey, 

Who  was  doubled  up  with  roars: 
"When  I  had  her  in  the  roundhouse,  sure, 

Why  didn't  you  close  the  doors?" 


58 


CAME  IN  LATE 

Of  quick  action  I'm  not  master, 

In  my  movements  I  am  slow; 
But  I  really  can't  move  faster, 

If  I  could  I  would,  you  know; 
I  creep  on  by  easy  stages, 

Ling'ring  death  will  be  my  fate, 
All  my  family  has,  for  ages, 

Been  renowned  for  coming  late. 

I'm  not  what  you  call  a  gambler, 

Nor  am  I  a  'two  time'  sport, 
But  sometimes  I  bet  a  dollar, 

And  horse  racing  is  my  forte; 
Once  I  thought  I  picked  a  winnex-, 

Bet  my  clothes,  for  I  am  game; 
The  horse  came  late  or  I'm  a  sinner, 

And  I  think  the  'skate'  went  lame. 

Once  I  courted  a  fair  maiden, 

Asked  her  to  become  my  wife, 
My  heart  with  joy  was  overladen, 

When  she  said:  "I'm  yours  for  life." 
All  was  ready  for  the  marriage, 

It  was  set  for  half  past  eight, 
I  jumped  into  a  waiting  carriage, 

But  as  usual,  I  came  late. 

I'm  not  what  you  might  call  pious, 
Still  I  am  not  bad,  you  know, 

My  devotion's  on  the  bias, 
But  to  church  I  sometimes  go; 


59 


On  last  Sunday  said  our  pastor: 
"An  extra  collection  we  will  take"; 

I  could  not  move  any  faster, 
And,  of  course,  I  came  in  late. 

One  night  last  week  I  was  dreaming, 

As  I  lay  asleep  in  bed; 
With  strange  things  my  brain  was  teeming, 

And  I  dreamed  that  I  was  dead; 
Then  I  started  out  for  Heaven, 

When  I  came  up  to  the  Gate, 
Read  a  sign,  "We  close  at  seven," 

Then  I  saw  that  I  came  late. 

ENVOI 

"You  came  in  late,"  said  Peter  with  a  yell, 
"You  came  in  late,"  'tis  sad  to  tell; 

"The  best  thing  you  can  do, 

Is  to  go  right  back  to — Oakland, 

Just  because  you  came  in  late." 


CLIMATE 

If  you  wander  up  a  mountain  side, 
With  full  intent  to  mine  it; 

To   get   up   to   the   top   you   have 
To  CLIMB  IT. 

Why   folks   to    California   come? 

(Dear  me,   I'll  have  to  rhyme  it) 
Just  what  attracts  them  is,  you  know: 

The  CLIMATE. 


60 
HE'S  GOT  IT  NOW 

To  have  a  sweetheart  was  his  joy, 

He's  got  her  now; 
She  was  gold  without  alloy, 

She's  diff' rent  now. 
She's  quite  expensive,  he'll  confess, 

Seven  times  a  week  he  calls,  no  less, 
Exactly  with  how  much  success, 

I'll  tell  you  now. 

To  save  the  cost  he  made  her  wife, 

He's  got  her  now; 
If  he  knew  not  sorrow  in  this  life, 

He  knows  it  now. 
She  makes  him  dance  a  merry  dance, 

At  her  slightest  wish  he  has  to  prance, 
And  since  they're  wed  he  wears  no  'pants,' 

She  wears  them  now. 

"A  child,"  says  he,  "is  just  the  thing," 

They  have  it  now; 
In  fact,  the  plural  I  should  sing; 

They  have  seven  now. 
All  night  he  walks  the  bedroom  floor, 

The  carpet  tacks  extract  his  gore, 
I  guess  he  don't  want  any  more, 

He's  got  plenty  now. 

A  divorce  he  eagerly  has  sought, 

He's  got  it  now; 
Such  a  thing  is  quickly  bought, 

He's  got  it  now. 
To  live  as  ten,  it  will  not  do, 

She  the  one,  he  nought,  would  you? 
They  thought  it  best  to  live  as  two, 

As  they  did  ere  now. 


61 

ENVOI 

As  they  do  now, 

It's  really  best,  I  vow; 
The  judge  to  her  gave  the  decree, 
He  lost  the  case  and  also  'she,' 
His  salary  no  more  he'll  see, 

She  draws  it  now. 


FIFTY-FIFTY 

Mary  and  John  were  married, 

Contented   as    could   be; 
They  had  a  bouncing  baby, 

It's   like   you  ne'er  did   see. 

One   night   they   were   awakened 

By   their    precious    son, 
He   soon   became   so   noisy, 

Something  had  to  be  done. 

"Get  up   and  rock  the  baby," 
Sweetly    said    Mary    to    John; 

"You   get   up,   Mary   darling, 
I   am   tired,"    said   John; 

"Half  of  it's  yours,"  said  Mary, 
John  said:   "I  know  that  well, 

You  get  up  and  rock  your  half,  dear, 
Let  my  half  'holler'  and  yell." 


62 
DOWN  IN  MILL  VALLEY 

(A  crazy  quilt  of  words.) 

Down  in  Mill  Valley,  where  cuckoos  used  to  cook, 

We  were  so  happy  because  we  were  so  glad; 
Down  in  Mill  Valley,  where  reed  birds  would  read  books, 

We  ne'er  got  angry  because  we  ne'er  got  mad. 
There  where  the  posies  sweet  oft'times  used  to  pose, 

We  would  always  keep  awake  because  we  could  not 

sleep : 
And  where  the  turnips  in  their  beds  would  turn, 

We  would  never  cry  because  we  could  not  weep. 

Down  in  Mill  Valley,  where  cauliflowers  call 

To  see  the  nosegays  who  at  noses  gaze; 
Down  in  Mill  Valley,  where  footprints  used  to  print, 

And  where  wheat  and  oats  and  corn  would  put  you  in 

a  maize  (maze). 
We  would  never  work  because  we  nothing  had  to  do, 

We  would  count  the  grass  and  wild  flowers  we'd  tame; 
And  from  grasshoppers  we'd  make  beer  of  their  hops, 

In  Mill  Valley,  you  can  bet,  we  got  there  just  the  same. 

Down  in  Mill  Valley,  where  the  lions  used  to  lie, 

And  where  the  elephant  would  tightly  pack  his  trunk; 
There  we'd  make  butter  from  the  little  butterfly, 

And  we  all  would  sober  keep,  'cause  we  would  not  get 

drunk. 
There  Welsh  rarebit  was  a  sponge  dipped  in  mustard  hot, 

We  would  always  walk  because  we  did  not  ride; 
And  from  eating  corn  our  voices  husky  got, 

Every  one  of  us  did  live  because  none  of  us  died. 


63 

A  SUDDEN  DISLIKE 

Maybe  youVe  heard  of  the  courtship 

Of  lovely  Bessie  and  Ned; 
When  he  proposed  to  his  charmer, 

She  said  that  him  she'd  wed. 
Dressed  in  their  best  they  proceeded 

To  the  pastor's  home; 
He  was  good  at  knot-tying, 

And  said  in  solemn  tone: 

"For  your  wife  do  you  take  this  lady?" 

"You  bet  I  do,"  said  Ned; 
"Do  you  take  this  man  for  your  husband?" 

"No,  I  don't,"  Bessie  said; 
"Well  miss,  tell  me  the  reason, 

Really  this  is  a  sin." 
"Well,  please  sir,  you  see  I've  taken 

A  SUDDEN  DISLIKE  TO  HIM." 

Bessie  said  she  was  mistaken, 

As  time  went  quickly  by; 
'Twas  she  who  made  the  proposal, 

Leap  year,  the  reason  why. 
Just  as  before  they  were  standing 

At  the  altar,  she  dressed  in  lace; 
And  in  front  of  the  'marrier,' 

This  is  what  took  place: 

"This  man  do  you  take  for  your  husband?" 

"Yes,"  Bessie  blushingly  said; 
"For  your  wife  do  you  take  this  lady?" 

"No,  I  don't,"  said  Ned; 
The  pastor  got  quite  angry, 

"Tell  me  the  reason,  sir." 
Ned  said:    "You  see,  I've  taken 

A  SUDDEN  DISLIKE  TO  HER." 


64 


A  vow  was  then  made  by  Bessie; 

That  Ned  she  never  would  wed; 
That  Bess  he  never  would  marry, 

Was  firmly  sworn  by  Ned. 
The  old  love,  however,  returning, 

They  planned  to  try  it  again; 
This  time  was  the  last,  and  the  pastor 

Intoned  the  same  refrain: 


"For  your  wife  do  you  take  this  lady?" 

"This  time  I  do,"  says  Ned; 
"This  man  do  you  take  for  your  husband?" 

"Yes,"  firmly  Bessie  said; 
"I  won't  marry  you,"  says  the  pastor; 

They  said:   "Why  are  you  loath?" 
"I'll  tell  you,  you  see  I've  taken 

A  SUDDEN  DISLIKE  TO  BOTH." 


TOO  MUCH  GAS  AT  $1.00  PER  1000 

A  man  had  an  awful  bad  tooth, 
The  pain  it  was  simply  intense; 

Said  the  dentist:  "I'll  pull  it  for  you, 
The  cost  it  will  be  50  cents." 

With   gas   it's   one   dollar   more, 
To  do  the  job  painlessly  neat"; 

Said  the  man:  "Great  Guns"  must  I  take 
1000  full  cubic  feet?" 


65 
HAZEL  GREEN 

(The  first  song  I  ever  wrote.) 

I'm  in  love  with  a  girl  y  hair  golden,  curly 

Eyes  just  as  bright  as  the  sun  in  its  glow; 
Exquisite  features,  cheeks  rosy,  like  peaches; 

Her  pretty  small  mouth  is  bent  like  Cupid's  bow. 
My  love,  she  has  stated,  is  reciprocated. 

When  I  am  not  by  her  for  me  she  will  pine; 
This  pink  of  perfection  will  bear  an  inspection, 

This  female  divinity  I'm  sure  is  mine. 

CHORUS 
She  is  the  sweetest  girl  I  ever  met, 

No  other  one  like  her  have  I  ever  seen; 
I  love  this  creature,  on  her  my  heart  is  set, 

She's  the  pride  of  my  life,  and  she's  'in  it,'  Hazel  Green. 

I  am  her  steady,  and  always  ready 

To  take  her  to  theatres,  parties  or  hops; 
I  'blow'  all  my  money  on  this  little  honey, 

My  finances  now  are  subject  to  drops. 
I'll  go  'broke'  if  I  tarry,  says  I:  "Let  us  marry, 

Be  mine,"  said  I  to  her,  "Fill  my  pleasure  cup;" 
Says  she,  laughing  gaily:  "I'm  engaged  to  Bill  Daly;" 

She  was  always  a  riddle,  so  I  gave  her  up. 

SECOND  CHORUS 
She's  not  the  sweetest  girl  I  ever  met, 

A  million  others  more  bewitchingly  charming  have  I 

seen; 
I  don't  like  this  creaiure,  on  another  my  heart  is  set, 

She's  like  the  man  that  drives  a  hack,  she's  'not  in  it/ 
Hazel  Green. 


66 

JINGLES 

A  man  a  widow  was  consoling 

For   the    loss    of   her    'worst   half; 

He   surmised   she   had   a   fortune, 

And  he  courted  her  with  'chaff.' 
'Did  he  leave  you  much,  my  darling?" 
Asked    the    man    in    great    delight; 

And   the   widow   answered   sadly: 
"He  left  me  almost  every  night." 

Once  a  man  went  in  a  chop-house, 

And  he  called  a  waitress  nigh; 
"Please  bring  me  a  glass  of  water," 

Which  she  did  as  she  passed  by. 
Said  the  man  unto  the  waitress: 

"Is  this  water  fresh  I  see?" 
"I  don't  know,"  replied  the  lady, 

"It  hasn't  said  a  thing  to  me." 

Little  Alice  had  been  naughty, 

As  she  sat  in  her  high  chair; 
Said  her  father,  who  was   angry: 

"I  will  spank  you,  so  take  care"; 
Answered   quick  the  little  maiden, 

While  a  frown  came  on  her  brow; 
As  she  lisped  out:  "You  can't  spank  me, 

"Cause  I'm   sitting  on  it  now." 

Once  a  friend  said  to  another, 

Whose  wife  had  run  away; 
"It  is  true  your  wife  has  left  you?" 

"Yes,    she    left   me    yesterday; 


67 


But  that's  not  the  worst  that's  happened," 
Said  his  friend  with  look  quite  black; 

"What  do  you  mean?  quick,  tell  me," 
"I  just  heard  she's  coming  back." 

Once   I   said   unto   a   waiter, 

At   my  table   standing   by, 
When  he  came  to  take  my  order: 

"Have  you  got  some  nice  mince  pie?" 
Said   he:    "We   have   got  the   finest, 

Like  your  mother  used  to  bake;" 
Then  I  said:  "Please  Mr.  Waiter, 

Bring  me  a  piece  of  angel  cake." 

Said  a  stage  man  in  a  show  house, 

"Is   a   party  here  to-night, 
With  a  wooden  leg,   by  name   of 

Alexander   Daniel   White?" 
Then  a  boy  up  in  the  galPry 

Took  the  stage  man,  down  a  peg; 
Said  he:  "Please  tell  us,  Mister, 

What  's  the  name  of  his  other  leg?" 

GREAT  AND   SMALL 

Charley  Soakum  is  the  greatest  man 

I've   seen   in   many   moons; 
That  is — in  his  peculiar  way — 

He's  a  great  man  in  saloons. 

You'll  find  the  truth  of  what  I  say, 

Where   ever   you   may   roam: 
A  man  who's   great  in  a   saloon, 

Is  very  small  at  home. 


68 
SWEET  SU'CIDE 

Johnnie  Brown  was  courting  Hazel  Green; 

We  guessed  they  would  be  wed; 
But  we  soon  found  we  had  to  guess  again, 

She  jilted  John,  'tis  said. 
A   last   epistle   then  to   her  he  wrote, 

She   read   it,   how   she   cried: 
"False,  fickle  Hazel,  now  I  go  to  meet 

My  fate  by  grim  su'cide." 

In  going  home  to  do  the  wicked  deed, 

John  met  sweet   Susan  White, 
A  girl  he  had  not  seen  in  many  years, 

Now    Sue   was   "out   of   sight." 
He  quite  forgot  to  carry  out  his  tnreat, 

And  said:  "She'll  be  my  bride; 
I'm  color-blind,  and  now  I  go  to  meet 

My  fate  by  sweet  Sue's  side." 


CHRISTMAS    GIFTS 

Three  boys  were  discussing  the  gifts 

Which  Santa  Glaus  brought  unto  each; 
One  said  he  received  a  red  cart, 

Said  the  second:  "My  'bike'  is  a  'peach'." 

The  third  kept  a  silence  discreet, 

(As  he  gazed  in  the  eyes  of  his  pup) 
When   asked   what   for   Christmas   he   got, 
He   sadly  replied:   "I   got  up." 


THE    BURGLAR'S    DECISION 

(Idea  suggested  at  a  vaudeville  show.) 

A  burglar  started  out  one  night  to  ply  his  wicked  trade, 
And  by  mistake  be  got  into  the  room  of  an  old  maid; 
He  had  no  sooner  entered  when  he  heard  her  footsteps  near, 
And  underneath  the  bed  he   crept  in   trembling  and  in 
fear. 

The  old  maid  came  into  the  room  with  slow  and  meas 
ured  tread, 

For  once  in  her  existence  she  forgot  to  look  under  the  bed; 

Upon  the  table  she  placed  the  lamp,  to  retire  was  her 
intent, 

Commenced  to  disrobe  not  knowing  that  so  near  there 
was  a  gent. 

The  first  thing  that  she  did  was     to  remove     her  false, 

blonde  hair, 
And  then  her  wooden  leg  she  placed  with  care  upon  the 

chair, 

The  burglar  saw  her  then  remove  her  artificial  eye, 
And  almost  fainted  when  her  false  teeth  she  had  placed 

close  by. 

The  transformation  threw  the  burglar  into  a  nervous  fit, 
The  old  maid  heard  him  move  but  was  not  scared  a  single 

bit; 
He  tried  to  run  away  from  sights  that  filled  him  with 

great  dread, 
And  then  she  pointed  a  Colt's  revolver  at  his  shivering 

head. 


70 


The  burglar  quickly  dropped  into  a  chair,  no  more  he  ran, 
The   old   maid   giggled   and   then   said:    "Why   bless   me, 

it's  a  man, 
At  last  my  prayers  are  answered  and  I'll  shed  some  joyous 

tears, 
I've  got  what  I've  been  looking  for,  for  17  long  years." 

"You  forced  your  way  into  my  room,  you  naughty  man," 

says   she, 

I'll  shoot  you  dead  as  sure  as  fate  if  you  don't  marry  me;" 
The   burglar   saw  with    frightened     eyes     there   was     no 

chance  to  'scoot', 
He  looked  at  her  teeth  and  wooden  leg  and  said:  "For 

God's  sake,  shoot!" 


THE  NEWSPAPER  PEST  IN  THE  STREET  CAR 

Of  all  the  pests  who  are  at  large, 

There's  one  who's  got  to  die; 
He's  the  one  who  sits  beside  you, 

Pokes  his  paper  in  your  eye. 

He  has  a  big  twin  brother, 

Some  day  his  nerve  I'll  check; 
He's    the    'bird'    who    sits    behind    you, 

Jabs  his  paper  in  your  neck. 


71 


OH  DEAR! 

"Oh   dear,"   said   Mrs.   Newlywed, 

"My  heart  is  nearly  broke'; 
My  coal  stove  would  not  draw  today; 

I  was  stifled  by  the  smoke. 
From  soot  I  was  a  perfect  fright, 

It  made  me   feel  quite  blue; 
My   coal   bills   are   so   very  high, 

I  don't  know  what  to  do." 
"My    dear,"    said    Mrs.    Upto-Date, 

"Your   story   is   not   strange; 
I   suffered   just  as   much   as   you, 

Till  I  bought  a  nice  gas  range. 
And  now  no  trouble  troubles  me, 

No   coal  bills   make   me   pine. 
Joy  reigns  supreme  in  our  home, 

No  ash,  or  soot,  or  smoke  in  mine." 

ENVOI 

If  you  would  be  content, 

Have   troubles   by   you    pass, 

Just  buy  a  range  that's  meant 
Exclusively   for   gas. 


72 

GIRL  WITH  THE  SILVERY  LAUGH 

You've  heard  about  the  rippling  laugh 

And  of  the  laugh  that  cheers; 
Likewise  about  the  hearty  laugh 

That  drives  away  your  tears; 
And  there's  the  laugh  that's  honest,  true, 

Of  happiness  it's  the  half, 
They're  none  of  them  a  'marker'  to 

The  girl  with  the  silvery  laugh. 

CHORUS 

This  girl  with  the  silvery  laugh, 

She  beats  all  the  rest  by  half, 
One  glance  of  her  eye,  your  blues  they  will  fly, 

And  I  am  not  giving  you  'taf  f ' ; 
She's  'Queen  of  the  Earth'  to  me, 

Her  first  name  begins  with  *E', 
Vivacious  and  cute,  she's  a  Montana  'Butte', 

This  girl  with  the  silvery  laugh. 

'Tis  said  that  silence  is  golden,  sure, 

And  silver  they  say  is  speech, 
Both  metals  have  their  defenders  and 

Brave  champions  there  are  of  each; 
This  girl  is  a  16  to  I  shot, 

In  her  laugh  there's  a  silver  mine, 
I  think  I'll  go  prospecting,  and 

I'll  be  a  rich  man  in  time. 


73 

FAIR,  FAT  AND  FOUR 

Her  laughing  eyes  celestial  blue  in  tint, 
Her  golden  hair  of  sunrise  gives  a  hint, 

It  glistens  in  the  sunlight's  fiery  glint; 
She's  FAIR. 

Good  health  this  maid  appears  to  radiate, 
Exactly  what  she  weighs  the  scales  relate, 

She  makes  no  secret  of  her  real  weight; 
She's  FAT. 

Time  rests  but  lightly  on  this  fair  dame's  brow, 
And  just  a  summers  few  she's  seen  ere  now, 
She's  not  ashamed  to  tell  her  age,  I  vow 
She's  FOUR. 


CONTENTS 


Page 


The  San  Francisco  Girl  3 

My  Sweetheart 4 

Roseate 5 

Edna  Mine 6 

"Not  Good  Bye,  Just  Good  Night" 7 

Never  Mind  8 

Daddy's  Got  a  Beau 9 

That  Girl  Of  Mine 10 

The  Bud  Of  Friendship 11 

The  Dearest  Girl 12 

For  a  Rainy  Day 13 

How  The  Beggar  Lost  His  Speech 14 

How  The  Beggar  Regained  His  Speech 15 

Grandma's  Baby 16 

Welcome  To  Olympia 17 

What  Drove  Them  To  Drink 18 

Woman  And  The  Ivy 19 

It  Might  Be  Worse 20 

Britt 21 

The  'Less-Age'  22 

Civil  Service  Test  23 

Cruise  Of  The  Yachts 24 

Love  Light  Vs  Gas  Light 26 

Cruise  Of  Captain  Cook 27 

Stanfords  On  Their  Wheels 29 

No  Gas  Meter 30 

Handy's  Auto's  On  The  Blink 31 

Icy  Venus 32 

What  Hughes  Should  Write  To  Wilson 33 

One  Hundred  Million  Strong 34 

Operas  at  a  Banquet 35 

Tale  Of  a  Perfect  Day 37 


Contents  —  Continued 


Page 


Modern  Casablanca  41 

Mail  Carrier's  Dream 42 

States  And  Cities  of  the  U.S.A 44 

Dues — Dues — Dues  46 

Down  to  His  Lassoo  47 

Little  and  Big  Casino 48 

Cicotte 49 

I  Cannot  Sing  the  Old  Songs 50 

Where  Some  Would  Have  the  Fair 51 

Pressing  His  Suit  54 

When  Wallace  Called  Them  Up 55 

Putting  the  Engine  in  the  Roundhouse 57 

Came  in  Late 58 

Climate  59 

He's  Got  It  Now 60 

Fifty— Fifty  61 

Down  In  Mill  Valley 62 

A  Sudden  Dislike 63 

Too  Much  Gas 64 

Hazel  Green 65 

Jingles  66 

Great  and  Small 67 

Sweet  Su'cide  —  Christmas  Gifts  68 

The  Burglar's  Decision 69 

Newspaper  Pest „ 70 

Oh  Dear  ] 71 

Girl  With  the  Silvery  Laugh 72 

Fair,  Fat  and  Four  ..  ..  73 


AN  ,,  ™ 

OVERDUE. 


Photomount 

Pamphlet 

Binder 

Gaylord  Bros.,  Inc. 

Makers 
Stockton,  Cant. 

PAT.  JAN.  21,1908 


U.C.BERKELEY  LIBRARIES 


855416 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


